Something New

Hi guys. So here we are now, changing media forms to something a little more "complete". I don't know if anybody read my most recent instagram post, but essentially this post is going to be a more fleshed out version of that. The other day, a friend of mine told me, that looking at my instagram paints a very different picture of me, and that she saw it before she really knew me very well. She also told me that I wasn't like what I portray at all. I do pride myself in my own self-awareness, so it wasn't the greatest to have a look at that.

I did look though. I saw that I really wasn't conveying the message that I wanted to be. it was silly, and not something I took very seriously (I don't take myself very seriously!), which was fine with me for the most part. Something silly like posting a picture of the most recent veins that I've seen popping out of my shoulders, or the ratio of my upper body to my waist... I chuckle a little bit about these ridiculous pictures, and enjoyed sharing them. It seems vain, self-absorbed, even arrogant. It's only a partial story. It's a partial story that leaves viewers their own mind to fill in the blanks(which is human nature), and based on what I give them to go on, its not a nice, or accurate story.

The story I've told doesn't say anything about my complicated relationship with food. The struggles with overeating, the fact that I still fight with that. It doesn't show the darker times, the body shaming moment that left me broken and hating myself so many years ago. Building a tiny garage gym, the frustration to the point of tears, and feeling more alone than I ever had in my life until that point. These pictures don't show the breaking of heart, soul, and body, the utter and complete dejection, or the journey to take control of my life. Why I do take pride in controlling even the tiniest parts of my physicality. Why that new vein popping out is significant. That's the story I want to tell. That's the story that's important to me, and the story that I want people to know. I strive to be a positive force to anyone I interact with, and the fact that I have been a negative influence in more cases than I care to admit is disheartening, and regrettable. My life, my mindset, my motivation, my passion... these things are reflected in my body. My body is an expression of everything going on at once. It's not the other way around, my body isn't what makes me happy and strong, its being happy and strong that makes my body. I feel as though that is the idea that got lost the most.

As I've now made the decision to enter the world of competitive bodybuilding, I want to start this part of that journey on a new note. A better note. I want to use my words and thoughts just as much as pictures. I want to tell the story of my progress, not just show the superficial side of it. I'm going to share as much as I possibly can, for anybody that wants to know what this is like. The mental, emotional, and physical sides of it. It won't just be about bodybuilding either, it will be about a multitude of things, but that's kind of what I'm doing right now, so it's something I'll be sharing alot of.

Thanks for reading. I hope you continue to, and that you enjoy what you read. Here's a couple pics I posted recently: